It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
