1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
