Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
