life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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