Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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