I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
