she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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