Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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