If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
