You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
