at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
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I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
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I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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