There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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