made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
