He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
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You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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