im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
