my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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