I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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