you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
