My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I will die if light touches me.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize