Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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