she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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