I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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