I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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