I look better un-naked...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
