tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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