if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
