i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
