Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
