I cut my penus on the lid.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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