69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
