i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
