her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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