Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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