i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
