I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
