What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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