so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
