Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
