You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
