If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
