what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Randomize
