Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
