The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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