and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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