During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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