I CAN MOONWALK!
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
