Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
