great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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