my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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