The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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