He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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