I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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