Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
