Please, let me fuck your mom
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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