Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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