her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
