i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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