Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
